Saturday, May 19, 2012

work joke/ adoptions jokes/ Hot Pants

May 12 Work joke: So today I was reading this book by the Alberta Human Resources and Employment.  It's called "Self-Employment: Is it for Me?" I think I got this book back in 2008 when I was in college.  I picked it up, but I didn't read it. 


I was reading it and it reminded me of The Simpsons where Homer makes his own computer company at home.  He meets Bill Gates, and his two henchmen wreck Homer's office.


Bill Gates: Well I didn't become a millionaire by writing checks you know.
He laughs at them.


May 16 Adoption jokes: I got this from Daily Silly: 

After many years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Johnny finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were, Son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out, and they brought you back.



Me: There's like a twist to the joke.  You thought the mother adopted Johnny, but really she gave him away.  It was kind of a mean joke.  I like the other one I saw on Jay Leno.  It was him reading from Damn You Auto Correct.  Here's one:


Mom: I have to tell you something.
Mom: Your brother is adopted.
Daughter: What?  Why are you telling me this through text?  Call me.
Mom: I mean your brother got accepted into Yale.


http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/


Hot Pants: I was going through FAVA (Film and Video Arts Society of Alberta.)  It then reminded me of this funny short film called Hot Pants.  I saw it way back in 2001 on Hypnotic Films website.  I then found it on Youtube.  I showed this to my brother and sister way back then and they thought it was funny.  


It's about a guy named Ben and he goes on a date with this girl.  They go to a Mexican restaurant and let's just say, Ben ruins his pants.  He has to spend the rest of the date, hiding the fact that he ruined his pants.  There was a funny ending.  You should watch it.  It's 8 min long.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NuQ5eY7KYM


Happy video: I was looking for new projects a producer emailed me this.  It's called "Basic Needs- Extreme Happiness."  It's 3 min. long.  The first min., I was like "What's the point of this?"  It's some guy talking in some language I don't know and he's walking in the winter. 


It's where he finds bags of chips and candy and he starts cheering and acting happy.  He seems genuinely excited about this.  It was fun to watch.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC8gJ0_9o4M


Farmer joke: I got this from Daily Silly.  I thought it was kind of funny:

A motorist got his car stuck in the mud while on a drive through the country. A farmer happened to be by the side of the road and offered to pull him out for twenty dollars. "At that price, I would think you'd be busy day and night, pulling people out," said the motorist. "Oh, I can't at night," said the farmer. "That's when I haul water for this hole."



Dark joke: This is a dark joke from Daily Silly.  Kind of weird though:  

A guy is cutting down a tree with a chainsaw while his friend watches. Suddenly he slips and cuts his friend's head clean from off of his shoulders. They both work for the government so the guy reports the accident to his foreman.

The foreman says, "Well somebody's going to have to tell his wife."
The guy replies, "I feel a bit guilty so I'll go."
The guy turns up at the wife's house, but so she would know he wasn't some kind of sick hoaxer he takes the decapitated head with him. Holding the head by the hair behind his back he knocks on the door.
A woman opens the door. "Yes?"
"Excuse me," says the guy "Does your husband work for the Forestry Commission?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Does he have black hair and a black beard?"
"Yes."
"And a scar down his left cheek?"
"Yes, that's him," says the woman.
"Well is this him?" says the guy, pulling the head from behind his back.
"No," says the woman.
"No?" says the guy, surprised.
"He's a lot taller than that."

Restaurant review: Last week I went out to dinner at Chinese restaurant at Sai Woo.  It's really good.  It's cheaper than Emperor's Palace.  I recommend Sai Woo.  When I was there, there were a lot of white people and one table with East Indian people. 


Urban Behavior: I did a little shopping after work and went into Urban Behavior.  They started selling perfume like 2 for $10.  I don't like buying perfume at those department stores for $100.


May 18 Light jokes: I got this from Daily Silly.  It's kind of funny.  It seems to be dissing Kentucky.

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitte
d.May 19: I got this from Daily Silly:

Single black female seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pick-up truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hands. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404)875-6429 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8 week old black Labrador.



Me: That's a good joke because you thought it was a person the entire time.



Also from Daily Silly:



One day a father was driving with his five-year-old daughter, when he honked his car horn by mistake. "I did that by accident," he said. "I know that, Daddy," she replied. "How did you know that?" "Because you didn't holler at the other driver after you honked it."



Dumb joke: This is kind of dark, but dumb.  From Daily Silly:

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How `bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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