Friday, March 16, 2012

laughing about murder/ speed date/ comedians

Mar. 6 Laughing about murder: I got one from The Simpsons.

Bart is praying, and Homer and Marge are listening.
Bart (praying): And please God, kill Sideshow Bob.

Marge: You can't ask God to kill somebody for you.
Homer: Yeah, you do your own dirty work.

Mar. 8 Jokes: I got this from Daily Silly. It was an average joke with a good twist at the end. It's a blonde joke, but it wasn't totally mean or dumb.

A world-renowned heart-surgeon and poker pro and a blonde cocktail waitress are sitting next to each other in a $1-2 NL cash game at the MGM in Las Vegas. The surgeon is upset as the blonde keeps winning big pots from him despite it being the first time she's ever played poker.

He suggests they play a prop bet where they ask each other questions; if they don't know the answer to the question; they have to pay the other person. She asks him how she's supposed to compete with a smart, world-renowned surgeon, as she's just a simple cocktail waitress. Eager to make her look stupid, he offers her odds, so that she has to pay him $5 for every time he stumps her, but he'll pay her $50 each time she stumps him. She agrees.

He asks her what the capital of Paraguay is and she shrugs and flips him a red $5 chip.

Her question for him is: "What rises in the evening, sleeps in the morning, and has twice as many brothers as sisters?"

He thinks and thinks and thinks, getting more frustrated, then whips out his iPhone, calls his friends, and finally checks the Internet for an answer. He finally gives up and shoves $50 in chips over to her.

"Well," he angrily demands, "what's the answer?"

She shrugs and flips him another $5 chip.

So who's more dumb? The blonde or the heart surgeon?

Here's another joke from Daily Silly. I got this one months ago, but I got it sent to me again. Here it is:

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray- up, B*&!@."

Speed date: So I went on another speed dating event recently. I went on 11 dates in one night. I thought one guy was cool, so I picked him. I got an email, and there were no matches. Damn. I'll wank it in my mind and say: "That guy wasn't that good looking anyway."

It wasn't a total waste of a night. I talked to the guys about their jobs and I learned a bit. One guy had 2 self-employed businesses. A landscaping company and a wedding DJ.

One East- Indian guy asked what I looked for in a guy. I said: "A sense of humor." So he told me a joke.

Guy: What do you call a bear without teeth?
Me: Bear saw?
(I don't know, that's the first thing that came to my mind.)
Guy: A gummy bear.

I then told him "my cat committed suicide" joke, but he didn't get it.

Blonde joke: Here's another blonde joke. However, who's more dumb? The blonde or the truck driver?

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Mar. 13 Cop joke: I got this from Daily Silly. If you're a cop, do what the cop does in this joke. It will make your job easier.

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Mar. 13 Getting scared about things that aren't supposed to be scary: This is the real life edition. It was back in 2008. I was in my computer class and asked my teacher Owen a question.

I held out a 3.5 floppy disk.
Owen jokingly shrieks in fear when he saw it.
Me: This disk says it's copyrighted, and I can't save anything on it. There's a switch, but I don't know what it is.
Owen then flips the switch on it. Oh, there it is.

Mar. 14 Comedians: On Mar. 5, 2012, I found this in the Globe and Mail. University of Gil Greengross did a survey on 31 stand up comics. It turns out comics use "affiliative" humor like joking with friends or using laughs to relieve stress and depression in their everyday lives.

On stage, comics are more aggressive like mocking others and self-deprecating humor. In regular life, comics are "generally nice and surprisingly introverted."

Behavior: I remember that interview with Britney Spears. She said: "When I'm on stage, that's not really me. That's me as a performer." Now I have to think about work. When you work in a customer service position, you are kind of performing like being really nice and helpful to a customer.

Mar. 15 Reversal of situations: I wrote about this before. I'm going to add a bit more to it. This is from my blog:

Dec. 2 Five: I'm looking for a job and listening to the old British boy band Five interviews. You may remember them when they first came out in the late 90s. I have all 3 of their albums. Their songs are "Slam Dunk da Funk" and "When the Lights Go Out." Here's an interview when they first came out:

Abs: We just got together, and we're exploring what we can do together when you're in a house.
The entire audience of teen girls are cheering because it sounded sexual.
Rich and Scott are waving their arms to stop them.
Rich: Not like that, not like that!
Jay: He meant musically.
lol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzqVysd-OFY

Me: Initially the audience thought the guys were so hot and talented. Then it was a reversal of situation when the audience then starts laughing at them. The audience and I know that Abs didn't mean anything sexual.

If you watch it, Abs face was straight and so was his tone of voice. A few people started saying "Ohhhh" and then everybody joined in. Rich and Scott were kind of laughing as they were waving their arms. The vibe was all light and funny.

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